Guid(e)-(d)ance

Meheeko!! We are in meheeko cooed Sanjana. Last month me and a pal of mine drove to Mexico .Bright sunshine kissed our car roof and we were tempted to take the hood of out Mustang but taking pix with entangled hair which trust me takes an hour to detangle is no fun. So we just rolled down the panes and enjoyed the wind on our faces.
We were going on a small hiking trip and were pretty excited about.
At the end of the 7 hour drive our faces lit up when we saw the signboard 'Sierra de la Laguna forests - 4 miles'.
We booked a room ,had cactus for dinner (which mind you tastes like capsicum ) and retired early .
We took a guide. Octivio read the wooden badge on his jute jacket .
He led the way into the woods .We started before the sunsrise around 6 am .
Our guide was an enthusiastic fellow who wanted to share his knowledge about the Navajo culture, right from thie symbolic Kokopelli to the prehispanic influence in the country.
He described it as the melting pot of all races. We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves, walking in natures lap and sipping in fresh air .
Then started our crash course on the ways of the wild.
He pointed at pugmarks of a wild cat.To me it just looked some mud grubbed together, next I see as if a large individual in stiletto heels had done a quick one-two bhangra step. But no. Wild boar, rooting with its snout for grubs and maggots, explained our guide.

What the heck,city slicker though i am, i too could try my hand at my own kind of guiding, involving the stuff of urban legends. There! See that. Yes, that piece of tinfoil. That is no ordinary tinfoil. It is the sign of that abundant species which ought to be the subject of a National Geographic programme: the Great homo sapiens litter. And look here! That wet round patch there? That is the mark left behind by the Common Male Urinator.

We moved further with a 'not so happy 'Octivio as he thought that we were mocking him with our ideas so back I went to my fly on the wall mode and gave him my full attention. He showed us how to figure out the age of the tree by the rings in its trunk. That was interesting.

Finally he led us to the end of the trail and pointed at the famous whispering gallery in the building. You stay here, he told Sanjana. You go there, he told me. Now put your mouths close to the wall and whisper softly. What magic, no? You can hear each other clearly, though so far apart. You know how it's done? All those ages ago when the gallery was built, they had a secret powder which they put into the walls. This is the same powder which they are now putting into tape recorders and other sound equipment. What a most wonderful wonder, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah. I know about acoustics and all that. But i'll still buy the secret powder which can power/enchant our help shanta's snuff box to turn into a radio.
We reached back home the next day and wondered looking at the Bose Lifestyle V20 if it had the powder!!
I am planning to write a mail to octivio and see if he would like to take us on an expedition(i had somehitng Man vs Wild in my mind ) looking for that secret stuff .
Any takers ??

Clickty Click

Click click

Went the digicam as I had its sound on.I had already changed 4 sets of batterys last weekend when I was visiting the Big Apple.

I had gone with my gang and we reached Holiady Inn at 11 in night.I was too tired to change and staying awake late at night is definitely not on my resume.

So here I was all hungry,sleepy and too lazy to change so I announce that fine I would dine in my night suit .I mean whats the big deal as I had already planned to crash on my hotel bed the moment I returned …damn the bed was too inviting to let go.But as history repeats itself and in the war of gastronomic pleasures and dreams about gastronomic pleasures the former as always wins.

We had a good Turkish meal and I was all ready to hit the sack when one of my pal announces that we have to go to Times square which was apparently just 1 block away.

(I prefer reading menu cards to maps so i had to take his word for the direction and distance).

But wait,of all the things in the world last thing I wanted to do was to have to visit times square in my pyjamas.

But whats life without any twists.

Self assured that it would make some good memories ,we started for our destination.

The place was abuzz with people.

It was 1 o'clock at night.I was standing in the middle of Times square ,i took a 360 degree turn and i saw 36 different nationalities.Phew.What a cosmopolitan sight!!

Now back to preserving moments to memories business..

We saw a man 6.5ft all well built (6 or more packs am not sure was too busy ogling at mask).

He was dressed as Batman.

And we all thought that posing with Batman at Times Square made a good photo op.

We took our digicams out.Placed them in position.Decided the order in which we would go and take pix with him.Took the money out for tips.All preps done.Smiles on our faces .We are just about to step forward to ask him when another maiden 5.9 hot bombshell steps in and asks her hubby to click while she posed with him.

We wait.

Thats ok.

We were in no rush.

Next this is what we see :

Step 1:Mr Batman holds the girl in a tight hug.

Step 2:Mr Batman had lifts the girl in her arms.

Step 3:Mr Batman places the girl on his shoulder.

Step 4:Mr Batman holdes her above his head as if she was a pair of dumbells.

Step 5,6,7,8,9,10:

We look at each other.Close the cams.Keep the tips inside.Take a 180 degree turn .Walk really fast out of there.

Thank our lucky stars that the girl came before us.

:)

Arabian (K)Nights

Little has been said about my cooking for reason known and unknown.But am a big foodie is no national secret.
Me and three of my friends were eagerly looking forward to a nice evening this friday the 4th of july ...thats america's independance day .We decided to experiment with persian cuisine and before we knew we were sitting in a eatery that resembled a harem. Nice flowy curtains ..girls belly dancing...and small lamps that effused flames on each of our tables.
All was good when suddenly a guest's pet a Bearded Collie took fancy to the dancers dress and decided that it looked more sumptous then his dinner platter.Before anyone could notice the pet was rightly placed back in the owners lap.
Sheesh.The fun ended before it could start.
I looked around the place sipping in the ambience (Looking for trouble... now that i think about it).
I noticed another Cocker Spaniel looking at me (damn their pet friendly policy).
I was bitten by a dog when i was 5 and from that day me and dogs have really not gelled well.. getting injections in your tush in return for a friendly paw ful hanshake was too much of a price to pay and definately not a ice breaker.
But over the years i have agreed to live with it.I look at the dog and smile .
The pet takes his tongue out ( I take this as a positive sign..atleast he did not growl..phew) .
The owner of the Spaniel was an old lady who seemed to have woken on the wrong side of bed noticed the exchange and scowled.
Aghh.
I mean what was that?? Was i about to dog nap th Spaniel??
Dream on..
I already have a hard time managing my pet taruntula.We finish our dinner and were waiting for the cheque when the lady walks up to me and tapped on my shoulder . And this is what i bielieve i heard.
'You acted before '
wohhhh that was the last thing i expected.
My expression seem to perfectly spell my bafflement.
She said "I am into advertising " pause ."We are looking for models for a pet commercial." ahan ..ahan..so...
"Tutu is a star.. and we are looking . hmmm..here's my card.We are audtioning tommorow at 9."
So the Cocker Spaniel sitting on the floor was my knight who would lead me to stardom?? BOWWWWWWWWW...WOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
And she left.
And so did my knight trodding on the rich red carpet of the isle.
Sniff.
Thats it. This was the nearest i got around to smelling hollywood .
(God knows why it seemed like dog poop)
I never ended at the audtion but imagine that a canine could have been my ticket for standing next to Brad pitt for all you know.
:)

Rapunzel or Persis Khambatta

Arizona’s heat is inspiring me to make omelets on the way to office on the car bonnet.

A four minute ride's enough to cook the egg and it saves me time too. Any takers ??

Last Saturday we went hiking, we scaled camelback and I was mostly inspired by an

Arnold Schwarzenegger clone who carried his Chihuahua in a rucksack with him while he hiked and growled (the Chihuahua not the man ) at me, every time I paused .

We were famished from our hike and raided Denny’s (that’s an eatery where ppl go more for the hospitality than the food).We ate a mouthful and realized that we had ordered much more than we could eat, so I offered to get boxes to pack .The moment the boxes arrived ,nobody wanted to take anything so we decided that we were better off taking the ketchup, salt and pepper shaker and the plastic forks. Somebody wanted to pack the waitress as well but realized the box was too small.

Lesson learnt : Go to a place which has bigger ‘to go’ boxes, and good service as well.

So with all this heat and sweat I decided to take a plunge into the pool in the evening .

The lights were dim and the ambience, relaxing. Tempting probably, is the word.

All was quiet when a big troop of teenagers decided that they needed to spend the evening near the pool too .A quiet group of nice folks who were not too raucous.

My muscles ached and Russell Peters' series was on my mind so i stepped out.

I removed my swim cap. And I heard,

"I thought she was bald"

"Yeh." Hmm...voices in agreement.

Oops! The last thing I thought I would I ever hear. Guess the dim lights did the trick.

I am busy tying my sarong. I loosen my hair off the sarong and I hear

‘wooooooooo’.

So within an instant, I went from bald to a "wooo" object.

(And all you mean souls out there the ‘woo’ was for my hair and not for anybody else..so don’t you write nasty comments and take the fun out)

If this post had hints of narcissism in it I can’t help it. :D

Nothing "hat ke" abt it

Before I start ,I think I am going to use this place to register my complains…This is not fair… I started writing blogs a fortnight ago…and the same time aamir ,srk n amitabh decide to highlight their blogs …what’s going on huh…can’t you guys think of something else…
mera idea copy karma jaruri tha…damn…

Anyways..moving on and displaying proofs of my magnanimous heart am going to continue writing….

This weekend was spent admiring the innovative and not so creative minds of many…
Before I start Emran Hasmi is not my favourite hero..and if he continues not to shave,he will always remain in my “Heros I don’t like” list.
Us gareeb ko koi ek razor gift kardo…the entire movie he seemed to belong to the “Hagar the Horrible clan”..I mean Sunday ko hum bhi is clan mein shamil ho jate hai..aur Fa deo ko hi ganga jal mante hai…but this fellow looked so filthy all the time(ab sari movie sunday ko to nahi ho shoot ki hogi na… )

We had nothing to do,So all we did was harp about our plans to watch the movie and we started inviting people we thought would go as a suraj barjatiya production house with all friends singing “Yeh Dosti”(I know this song does not belong to that production house) Reminder calls from all four of us started pouring in to the guy who was supposed to get the tickets. As the guy has haunting bad history of forgetting things (amnesia seems to be part of his lifestyle…) and when he did prove all our theories wrong ..and did some thing to be included in the “Ripleys bielieve ir or not” then the calls start coming in of people not able to make it ..arghhh..ab 10 tickets ka kya kare…Now mithun inspired indigenous ideas of ticket black karte hai started popping..(psst..This one of the suggestions from the book …WHO wants to be a millionaire)..and for some reason we were quite successful in selling 6..(nahi black nahi ki utne mein hi di)…ab baki chaar ka kya karein so we thought maybe if we guys asked our friend to tie a hankie around his neck.btw .he was already wearing a shirt that gave govinda a complex…that could do the trick…hmmm so our friend started and started ek ka char ,…ek ka char….(Now what are you expecting …Indian police ka entry…nahi nahi..)
The movie started and we said dump it..

We started and I soon realized that the best part of the movie were the initial 15 min where all we could think of was kurkare..popcorn(mujhe bahut kam mile..sob..)..mazaa....lays(am doing some free advt…do we have a system of making money by my stating their names here??)……han han hum wahan khane gaye the..movie to bas ase hi.

And after we had convinced people around us that we have just returned from Ethopia.
There was this strange sound……… “GRRRRRRrrrrr”…..we were all puzzled,as it is the movie was remotely engrossing and we were all energetic with all the carbohydrates and fat breaking down inside us .
Then it came again… “GrrGrrrGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”…aha the karamchand (minus secretary kitty) in me took over and I started the investigation and I soon realized “yeh hai India meri Jaan”
The AC vent above our seats was just the exterior grill and you could take the grill off and there was apna Hindustani desert cooler moving in full swing…

Now the side wali auntys who am sure were the source of all those air contamination (she had gobi ke parateh ) were getting all sentimental …heroine ro rahi thi na…aunty bas bas ab hamare ghar mein pani aati hai ..

I am not going to write about the couple (privacy ka to koi zamana hai hi nahi)

The lessons we learnt were that the reason our company pays us less is because it doesn’t want us to turn blind with wealth (yaar koi mere CEO ko yeh link paas karo…promotion due hai) ..wah wah…

The moment the credits appeared in the end it was as if the whole hall was waiting for the moment, every body sprung up. I mean no body even paused back on their seats to
say” Nice na”…”so cute”…or the ugly ones like “is producer @#$$%” sochte kya hai”$$%%^”..and I woke up too…(ab AC hall mein sona is much better than getting bored)

So out we came after the flick and saw IPL on the screens (this is similar to the scenes in the flick) and me Hashmi inspired uttered, “I think Punjab will win(this has nothing to do with my Punjabi roots..ESP is the word)…and asked my roommate “RATE kya hai BET ka.”.she replied “u washing 4 utensils to one”(We suspect our maid is holidaying in Bahamas considering the floral prints she has been sporting and has convinced us that she is attending to an old relative..na na I think its Bahamas only..)
So the moment we entered our flat. I was (no points for guessing) doing all the washing..

And thinking har koi hasmi nahi ban sakta (and thank god for that).

Jago mohan pyare

No I don’t have any Mohan or for that matter any Sohan or Rohan et all in my life so the blog is not about waking him up. Phew !!!

Nor is this about some self awaking or nirvana that I achieved (achievements…batana shuru karungi to likhungi kya…huh..?)

This is about one special journey that I had on Saturday when reaching home was all that occupied my grey cells.(sachi…baki ek jawan(I could have used young but then jawan is more Indian and young is more E& Y) ladki aur soch bhi kya sakti hai)…
I don’t know how I mange it but at the end of every two weeks , I am home sick…and that is one thing that makes me go through all the snoring I hear or the looks I get which most of the time makes me wonder “so which creature of the zoo are they trying to strike a resemblance with…) then there are also the inevitable unpleasant visits to the loo where you get the foul smell plus sounds of people clearing their throats or what ever (which resemble more like the drainage pipe grunting with smelly stuff) absolutely free…

So there I was sitting waiting for the train to start….looking around and then I realize am surrounded by ….

Group 1:Youth ICONS (na na MTV has nothing to do with )

6 boys trying to pull that I don’t have a care in the world attitude but all they could pull of was I am scared that the TT might ask for our tickets look. And complaining that damn again no pretty girls around them.Chill dude I can understand it is difficult to imagine why is Aishwarya not traveling with you…guess abhishek ko bura lagega …sigh…

Group 2:Beauty (giggly) queens

Giggle…giggle…oh pass me the lotion…giggle….is my hair all ok…giggle…your skin is so gooooooooood ..giggle…you are so chweeeeeeet….giggle..what do you do to keep your hands soft..giggle..
Girls…nobody is interested in you. Get a life specially at 1 in the night, and the guys are sitting at the other end of the compartment so no big deal the man in front of you is already snoring so sleep. We will play “:Miss Beautiful”tomorrow morning…OK…

Group 3:The couple(Fevicol ka jud hai)

Guys we know that you got married and you are all excited and all you want is the lights to be switched off but at least let the train start…waise Fevicol could get some good publicity…just make thses guys wear T shirts..arre jaise Nokia seems to have bought the “Knight riders”..sheesh..what am I doing here…such brain waves …all wasted…(in case you want to hire me for good money, contact me!) anyway..
The girl (all blush blush )is sitting really close. These guys could have actually saved one berth.And the guy is hmm I can save you from the world look…But alas no monster appears and the knight is not able to prove his undaunted love ….

Group 4: The great Indian Parivar

You have everyone traveling ….all aunts and uncles and a youngest of the lot too
and all with an appetite that could leave adnan’s diet to shame(am referring to the last years version)
Their sole purpose of traveling is eating and only eating. People we are not traveling to Somalia but alas….
The train starts at 10pm so its pretty much post dinner time but well the party just started for them. First a round of appetizers..Soup…with separate glasses for them…then cutlery for dinner…9 course meal..(Am not exaggerating)…sweet dish..obviously separate bowls for them and end it with something resembling a pan.
So its post 12 now and it’s now that their digestive system starts ……..
And then god save me or better still the lonely kid who happens to be the youngest.
Its doting time. Everybody in the family has an opinion as how he should be aptly dressed and the kid gives looks like…ok I can’t speak but that doesn’t mean you strip me in public look.
But no ,all of them have to decide on his change of clothes, his sleeping positions ,his hairstyle ..what not…and am sure by the time all the fuss dies down ,the kid is wide awake so now what follows is the lullaby. We perfectly understand that the kid needs to be put to sleep but did some one lie to you that your voice holds the potential for the next Indian idol…they are lying I tell you….BIG time …..don’t listen to them. SLEEP. And let Sleep.

Group 4: The next NRN

He has that “The company is up there all because of me look”. He has his laptop switched on. Mobile ringing.Files spread and sheets bulging out the bag…well what’s beneath those sheet is another story…(more sheets what were you thinking .. huh..)
We all know he is going to play solitaire once the light is off.
But now he has to open excel sheets to impress side wali aunty(mind you aunty still thinks excel sheets is high tech) who thinks he is the next Bill gate’s and he could be a suitable candidate for her bholi bhali beti(btw beti is lustfully eyeing the guys group).

Group 5 :On time nuclear(uncle ji gets the credit for being the “little boy”aka Hiroshima bomb) family.

The best ones I tell you at least while sleeping. Its 10:10 and the kids are in bed and 10:15 lights are switched off and if a kid is caught day dreaming then papaji warns with his fat finger frantically waving in air”so jao puttar subah jaldi uthna hai na”.
The kid shuts his eye…(no obviously he is not sleeping at 10:15)
And bingo when the entire train is fast asleep at 4 am(the train arrives at 5).uncle ji announces “beta utha jao station aane wala hai
And guess what !!!!!!! Except uncleji’s kids everybody is wide awake at 4 (smart kids. they know there papaji).

Group 6: Awesome people

The adjectives used for the group pretty much clarifies that people like me belong to this cadre.The lonely guy/gal who listen to music…read a book (mein read kar rahi thi)..stare at people.(wo to aaj ase hi I don stare..Na na ).try to catch some sleep…and they moment they pick at interesting article uncleji switches off light with that you should rest to look.

So nobody had to wake me up coz I was wide awake..and uncle ji..thank you…I have material for my blog if not a nights sleep. yawn…

Good night(ab to so lene do).

32 all out

Aha now this is my first blog(the unpublished ones don’t count)

..i might as well write about the title itself 32 out(no it is not sponsored

my Colgate or for that matter even close-up…shesh).people complain

disguised as a compliment that I have my 32 out most of the time .first to

put the record straight I can’t even boast of a set of 32..the dentist

informed me giving a no of “29”..with promises of molar which people

around me fervently hope will bring more sense in me..huh…hjgh hopes.

So where were we…right 32 all out …my ma thinks that this is gonna

get me in big trouble some day…coz she things I have mastered

all kinds of giggles, squeals, smirks, grins, smiles, the not so visible but visible to my ma smile,gaufaws…you name it and you got it!!!!!!!!!!

But then you can’t put all the blame on me right..some how…

there has to be someone up there scheming who lands me in situations where my canines surface.

OK you don’t believe me…then read this…my entire team flew to client

office to give a presentation and for some reason which is not worth

occupying word space here the client had to move out some where

so we ended up having a tele call(that ‘s the one where you can even snooze..and pretend to be all ears at the same time)

now the client was called at his 9 PM so this fellow was all

gastromically satiated (we have evidence hold on)..and sounded in

a good mood phew…half the job done …my team mate should thank me for choosing that time for calling him…hungry clients are metaphors of “I don like what you are saying “ monsters…

so we started. The mood was all set he seemed to be hearing and agreeing on everything and I was counting my good stars…man this can’t be happening,

I thought of pinching my self but the thought of breaking a pleasant dream this good was not worth so I took my chances and just touched wood and hoped it to be reality…

so the scene goes as one happy team discussing and suddenly

of all the things in the world we hear

“BURP……..duh..”(bola tha na evidence hai)

And the moment I realize what it is I am ready with my mouth all set but....i did not burst out laughing (ma you got to give me a pat for this one).

And then comes the best part my team mate who up till now was so deeply engrossed in explaining that statistics goes” excuse me I did not get it…what did you say”

The poor fellow who was all eager to hear appreciation anticipating good words queried again …and all he got was silence…silence from an individual …who has an opinion on everything on this planet right from why the world is round (he prefers the scientific version to nandannilekani’s inspired Thomas Friedman’s view of world being flat) to usage of salt as preservative then vinegar…

and to add to his bafflement I had turned a shade of crimson….trying to

control my hands from putting up a banner saying this part of the presentation was sponsored by “ENO” and control my mouth from asking questions like which flavor of eno do you like most or do you prefer ayurvedic versions like pudin hara.

But alas I controlled and the rest of the meeting went burp-less (at least not audible).

And the client did seem happy in the end, though I still wonder was it the acknowledgements that he received from his digestive system that pleased him or our presentation...hmm food for thought or should I say..burp for thought….

See you got my point it’s not me but things around me that make the world go round and

Make the white ones(yeh yeh I brush them..they haven’t turned green because of the fungus that I dread could just appear) surface.

That reminds me my visit to the dentist is due. Damn.

PS: Did you notice I wrote the entire thing minus all smiley’s…nominate me for the Oscar equivalent of blogging…go on…I won’t mind…I swear.

BLOG Ends.

:) (I said the blog ends so the smiley doesn’t matter right.)