You come in out of
the rain looking like a mobile swimming pool and some dear, concerned
soul is bound to ask in a solicitous voice “Oooo! Have you got
wet?”
After a long, hard
day at work followed by a lengthy commute you reach home only to be
greeted with a “You’re back, are you?”
You get a gilt-edge
invite to the big, big social event of the year. Everyone who is
anyone is going to be there. For weeks before you go around feeling
smug and confident that you’ve made the haut monde grade at last.
The day comes at last, you turn up at the appointed time and as you
walk in some blight in human form says, “What are you doing here?”
The next time
someone asks me a stupid question I’m going to give a clever
answer. And since I’m not very good at snap repartee, I’ll
prepare and rehearse a few stock situations and responses.
Let’s take the
“Are-you-wet?” scene.
Right? Rolls of thunder, lashings of rain. Enter Suraiya looking like Father Neptune. Questioning voice: “Have you got wet?” Me, spurning water like Moby Dick, “No. It’s just that I’m a big sweater.” Or, “No. Actually I’m melting.” How about, “No, I’m perfectly dry. It’s just that you’ve been peeling onions.”
Right? Rolls of thunder, lashings of rain. Enter Suraiya looking like Father Neptune. Questioning voice: “Have you got wet?” Me, spurning water like Moby Dick, “No. It’s just that I’m a big sweater.” Or, “No. Actually I’m melting.” How about, “No, I’m perfectly dry. It’s just that you’ve been peeling onions.”
Take the “Are you
back?” gambit.
“No, I’m still away. It’s just the other half of my split personality that’s come back.” “No. This is Byomkesh bakshi’s ghost in a new avatar” “No. You’re hallucinating.” “I don’t know. I’ve got amnesia. You tell me.” Or, since the cleverest way to answer a stupid question is to ask a stupid question yourself, “Is that you?”
“No, I’m still away. It’s just the other half of my split personality that’s come back.” “No. This is Byomkesh bakshi’s ghost in a new avatar” “No. You’re hallucinating.” “I don’t know. I’ve got amnesia. You tell me.” Or, since the cleverest way to answer a stupid question is to ask a stupid question yourself, “Is that you?”
Now for the
“What-are-you-doing-here?” routine.
“Casing the joint. I’m a aid to the gentleman burglar” is not too bad. Likewise, “I’m a house detective hired to protect the silverware.” “I’ve been asked to give away the special prize for the best fancy dress turn-out. Congratulations.” “Collecting local color for my big novel about the underworld. Thanks for contributing a chapter.”
“Casing the joint. I’m a aid to the gentleman burglar” is not too bad. Likewise, “I’m a house detective hired to protect the silverware.” “I’ve been asked to give away the special prize for the best fancy dress turn-out. Congratulations.” “Collecting local color for my big novel about the underworld. Thanks for contributing a chapter.”
There are a thousand
other inane inquiries which can be similarly countered.
The inevitable “How do you do?” has the equally inevitable reply, “Do what?”
.“Where have you been hiding all these days?” is easy ,“In the one place I knew you wouldn’t dare look. The police station.”
The inevitable “How do you do?” has the equally inevitable reply, “Do what?”
.“Where have you been hiding all these days?” is easy ,“In the one place I knew you wouldn’t dare look. The police station.”
Be in good trim when we meet next time and I ask you –“ Did you enjoy reading my blog ”
:)
