FAQ

These are some of the questions, in no particular order that people ask me. So next time when we meet virtually or face to face and both of us are looking at our cellphones and thinking about the next thing to talk, you could take a pick from these questions. I have mastered most (99.99%) of the answers to these questions.So go ahead take your pick.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?

HAVE YOU EVER CUT YOUR HAIR ?

WHAT TIME IS IT?

DOES MY ASS LOOK FAT IN THESE JEGGINGS?

DO YOU WORSHIP COWS ?

WILL YOU TAKE MY PICTURE ?

HOW DO YOU SAY YOUR LAST NAME ?

WHY IS IT 2 CENTS WHILE GIVING INFORMATION AND A PENNY FOR A THOUGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ALL THOSE SAVED PENNY'S ?

CAN I BUY A VOWEL?

ARE WE THERE YET?

IF TRAIN A LEAVES THE STATION GOING 60 MILES PER HOUR AND TRAIN B LEAVES ONE HOUR LATER GOING 85 MILES PER HOUR, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TRAIN B TO CATCH UP WITH TRAIN A?

WHO?

WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? 

Perfect answer (hold on ..it’s coming..wait for it..)

You come in out of the rain looking like a mobile swimming pool and some dear, concerned soul is bound to ask in a solicitous voice “Oooo! Have you got wet?” 

After a long, hard day at work followed by a lengthy commute you reach home only to be greeted with a “You’re back, are you?”

You get a gilt-edge invite to the big, big social event of the year. Everyone who is anyone is going to be there. For weeks before you go around feeling smug and confident that you’ve made the haut monde grade at last. The day comes at last, you turn up at the appointed time and as you walk in some blight in human form says, “What are you doing here?”

The next time someone asks me a stupid question I’m going to give a clever answer. And since I’m not very good at snap repartee, I’ll prepare and rehearse a few stock situations and responses.

Let’s take the “Are-you-wet?” scene.
 Right? Rolls of thunder, lashings of rain. Enter Suraiya looking like Father Neptune. Questioning voice: “Have you got wet?” Me, spurning water like Moby Dick, “No. It’s just that I’m a big sweater.” Or, “No. Actually I’m melting.” How about, “No, I’m perfectly dry. It’s just that you’ve been peeling onions.”

Take the “Are you back?” gambit. 
“No, I’m still away. It’s just the other half of my split personality that’s come back.” “No. This is Byomkesh bakshi’s ghost in a new avatar”  “No. You’re hallucinating.” “I don’t know. I’ve got amnesia. You tell me.” Or, since the cleverest way to answer a stupid question is to ask a stupid question yourself, “Is that you?”

Now for the “What-are-you-doing-here?” routine. 
“Casing the joint. I’m a aid to the gentleman burglar” is not too bad. Likewise, “I’m a house detective hired to protect the silverware.” “I’ve been asked to give away the special prize for the best fancy dress turn-out. Congratulations.” “Collecting local color for my big novel about the underworld. Thanks for contributing a chapter.”

There are a thousand other inane inquiries which can be similarly countered.
 The inevitable “How do you do?” has the equally inevitable reply, “Do what?” 
.“Where have you been hiding all these days?” is easy ,“In the one place I knew you wouldn’t dare look. The police station.”

Be in good trim when we meet next time and I ask you –“ Did you enjoy reading my blog ”

:)