Thursday, January 19, 2012

Perfect answer (hold on ..it’s coming..wait for it..)

You come in out of the rain looking like a mobile swimming pool and some dear, concerned soul is bound to ask in a solicitous voice “Oooo! Have you got wet?” 
After a long, hard day at work followed by a lengthy commute you reach home only to be greeted with a “You’re back, are you?”
You get a gilt-edge invite to the big, big social event of the year. Everyone who is anyone is going to be there. For weeks before you go around feeling smug and confident that you’ve made the haut monde grade at last. The day comes at last, you turn up at the appointed time and as you walk in some blight in human form says, “What are you doing here?”
The next time someone asks me a stupid question I’m going to give a clever answer. And since I’m not very good at snap repartee, I’ll prepare and rehearse a few stock situations and responses.
Let’s take the “Are-you-wet?” scene.
 Right? Rolls of thunder, lashings of rain. Enter Suraiya looking like Father Neptune. Questioning voice: “Have you got wet?” Me, spurning water like Moby Dick, “No. It’s just that I’m a big sweater.” Or, “No. Actually I’m melting.” How about, “No, I’m perfectly dry. It’s just that you’ve been peeling onions.”
Take the “Are you back?” gambit. 
“No, I’m still away. It’s just the other half of my split personality that’s come back.” “No. This is Byomkesh bakshi’s ghost in a new avatar”  “No. You’re hallucinating.” “I don’t know. I’ve got amnesia. You tell me.” Or, since the cleverest way to answer a stupid question is to ask a stupid question yourself, “Is that you?”
Now for the “What-are-you-doing-here?” routine. 
“Casing the joint. I’m a aid to the gentleman burglar” is not too bad. Likewise, “I’m a house detective hired to protect the silverware.” “I’ve been asked to give away the special prize for the best fancy dress turn-out. Congratulations.” “Collecting local color for my big novel about the underworld. Thanks for contributing a chapter.”
There are a thousand other inane inquiries which can be similarly countered.
 The inevitable “How do you do?” has the equally inevitable reply, “Do what?” 
.“Where have you been hiding all these days?” is easy ,“In the one place I knew you wouldn’t dare look. The police station.”
Be in good trim when we meet next time and I ask you –“ Did you enjoy reading my blog ”
:)

15 comments:

  1. I love reading your blog.

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    1. @mayawati(cm):I am honored but your perfect sentence construction looks fishy..hmm

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  2. i can also never think of what to say..you are right have to think of answers

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    1. irrespective of how much we think abt them...its abt opening your mouth at the right time :)

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  3. I like some of the canned responses. But their relevance and appropriateness would really depend on the mood. If used untimely, such responses could lead to catastrophes (I've been in some!). Since you mentioned, the phrase "how do you do?" does not actually mean what it seems to mean in modern English. The phrase was once used by the English elite to distinguish the upper class from the lower. The elites would greet each other with a customary "How do you do?" to which a befitting response was "How do you do?" The word "do" had another meaning back then. And the second "do" in the phrase took that other meaning which was to "proper" or "thrive". Substitute that and the question makes sense! Well, English is quite a confusing and inconsistent language anyway. I don't complain as it certainly is not as complicated as some of the other languages out there.

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    1. @bro:you(and ur comments) continue to inspire me to think of perfect answers :P

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  4. funny responses you have there for a couple of general questions ;)... I am really curious to know what/how would you respond to this one but in a special way:-
    "How youuuuuuu doin" ? Joey Style (friends)

    by the way--if someone asks 'have you got wet'? - you can also say..- yeah.. i am a rain cloud..pouring on myself and everyone around!! want some ?

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    1. @anant:turn 180 and run really fast without looking back =)
      and good suggestion for the "wet" question..wait till someone asks and am gonna be all prompt :)

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  5. One more, which will be very relevant : At any cousins wedding,
    A well meaning(ya right!) aunty: "ab to pinki, chinki, minki ki bhi shaadi ho gayi, tumhaari baari kab hain?"
    You:" Aunty November 28th ko hain, aap zaroor aana"
    Aunty( not so happy anymore):" ladka mil gaya?"
    You:"bas woh ek hi detail baaki hain aunty... par hall, flower arrangements, caterers cards etc sab tayaar hian... ":P:D

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    1. @kshitija: done this is my official answer to the question from now on :D

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  6. Aww! youd run away from Joey? not fair...

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    1. @kshitija:Hey we all cant have joey..somebody needs to be a bigger person and make the sacrifice :D

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  7. didi i want to start writing like you :)

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    1. dear don't underestimate yourself
      am sure you can do better :) tc

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  8. haha... you never how different it could be in reality..there are some daring ones out there
    how youuu doinn ? ;))

    (turned 180 twice..without running away)

    dont miss the parade.. its the republic day !!

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