Out for Launch

Poems-It takes talent and I believe a different wiring in your head to write and appreciate them.I can never make the words falls so perfectly in sequence that would evoke a emotion in the readers head.My sister Sakshi on the other hand has several one them to her credit published in journals. What is my contribution to this feet you ask ? I can proudly tell you that I am the sole source of "countless nuisance moments" in her life which inspire her to write .(a.k.a vent it all out).
 Her latest penmanship made me think that perhaps she should bundle her writings and publish her own book. (After all my grandfather had several under his belt.They are out of print now but you can still request order them here Amazon Link1, Amazon Link 2)
We should celebrate her publication in style.Let me do a book launch for her book (Hopefully not like the one I attended in 08).
All I need is :
Invitations: I looked up my list of Facebook friends to invite.
I pinged a few and soon realized that the book-reading habit is not just dead but buried, with a stake through its heart so that unlike Dracula it can't rise from its grave.
Nobody reads books any more, not even on Kindle which was devised as a fashion accessory - like Gucci earplugs or Armani hernia trusses .Medical science has yet to establish that the reading of books can cause cancer and make hair grow on the palms of your hands. However, it is generally accepted that books are injurious to mental health in that they distract from watching Bigg Boss/Bachelor, playing angry birds, and catching up on the latest tweet that's doing the rounds .No worries, it would be a small cozy group.
Guest of Honor:
Undeterred, next on the agenda is finding someone to launch it. It had to be launched by a Celebrity, who should be a Big Name. It could be a politician or a show biz personality or perhaps another author. But the preferred kind of Big Name is the Big Name which doesn't fit into any particular slot and is known only to be famous for being famous. Like Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen.
{Coin Toss}
Heads. Charlie Sheen it is.I hope he reads my mail when he is sober i don't want my invitation to be swept under the carpet in his drunken stupor.
Cause:
It’s in vogue , to associate part of your earning to a charity. My mom does enough pro bono activities to support education, girl rights,unemployment and what not.So now its my responsibility to stand up for what i believe is a lost cause and needs attention.
Shoes.
I can already see the electronic scroll in font size 12 ,color neon ,font -Helvetica on the website “In aid of buying new shoes relief fund”.This should evoke enough empathy and drive sales.Yayy.
Website : 
I need a place to display the cause, share pictures  and get RSVP's.
Summary:To summarize ,the checklist for a successful launch are: guests, chief guest, cause, website and oh yeh the book maybe..just maybe.
Sorry need to go now, I need to update my out of office message to “Out for launch”.

In full disclosure, the checklist above is not going to get you very far with your book launch but I highly recommend Guy Kawasaki’s latest publication.

Bully

I have walked more than two decades on this planet.I have met my share of bullies. Some intimidate you with their physical appearance and others by their sharp remarks, whatever be their style the one thing that holds them together is the common mission in life to generate secretions of your Lacrimal gland (a.k.a make you cry).
Now that the thermometer on my patio wall does not threaten to burst, I decided to go camping with my pals. We reached early morning and hiked before the sunscreen started to wear off .After the hike, we sat under the shade of a tree which showed gradual sign of the coming fall. The leaves had started taking hues of red and orange. We all sat exhausted sharing a bottle of Gatorade when I felt a slight buzzing near my ear; I moved my hand to shoo off whatever it was. The shooing did not deter the sound maker, exhausted and not wanting to move a muscle ..i tilted my head to see the source of sound .It was a brown and yellow ugly hornet.
Yuck.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAaa” the hornet stung my friend Priya, she winced in pain.
Ah the bully.
I ran behind the hornet to shoo it off. I had forgotten the terrain and fell on the boulders. I scrapped my knees and the tips of my fingers were gone (Aha ..time to commit Crime) I was in pain. The bully just flapped its wings more fervently circled around me in mockery and flew away.
I had it.
I might have been brought down on my knees once by the bully but that does not mean I accept defeat. After being rushed to urgent care, I visited the closet Walmart and bee lined for –Pest control section. On the top most shelf laid a can with my mortal enemies face on it. I could not reach it and had to use the back of the handle of a rake kept in the gardening section to make it fall down. I paid for my weapon and luckily the cashier put it in bag ,as I did not want to even touch anything which had my mortals enemies face on it.
The next morning while we sleeping in our tent, I woke up with buzzing again. My senses perked up and I reached for the can SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Priya mumbled “You missed it “,No I did not .
I could already visualize it stuffed and mounted on my dining room.
The taste of victory is so sweet.
I proudly stepped out to see the carcass of the bully. I did not find anything.
Hmmmm.
Ahh I know, the ants must have carried it away and the entire ant colony would feast on it.
So my dear readers…..if you plan to bully me ….remember I might find that can in walmart and spray you dead.
Beware.
Grr.

Call NOW !! 1-800-CHEAT-ME/1-800-BELIEF

CONGRATULATIONS! Your mobile phone number has won GBP 7,500,000! SMS your full bank account details immediately to Mr 420 to receive the money!
Yep.
It's another 'pesky' message. And the peskiest part of it is that it assumes that the recipients of message - you and I - must be idiots to believe in what is so obviously a scam. Who on earth would be so dumb as to send off their bank details to some totally unknown person who, having promised them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, will clean out the entire contents of their bank accounts? And of course the answer to that question - who on the earth would be so dumb etc? - is:
Plenty of people.
And no, they're not necessarily dumb. They suffer from - or should that be that they are gifted with? - something common to us all, and without which day-to-day life would be impossible:
Hope. All of us live in hope.
 Which is another way of saying that we make ourselves believe what we want to believe. What are the things we want to believe? As children we want to believe in magical kingdoms where the trees are made of chocolate and the rivers of lemonade. As students we want to believe that, after all those hours of study, we'll top our class in the exams. When we get our first jobs, we want to believe that we'll end up being the CEO of the company. We want to believe that our friends like us, that the new diet will help us lose weight, that if we brush our teeth religiously every night we won't have to go to the dentist for root canal treatment. We want to believe in so many things. Most of all we want to believe in belief itself. We want to believe in hope. We don't have much choice. Because if we didn't believe in hope we'd have to believe in its opposite thing; we'd have to believe in despair. And if that happened - if we believed in despair - then life literally wouldn't be worth living.
So, from childhood, we train ourselves to believe in hope, to believe in what we want to believe. That there are indeed fairy godmothers who will make all our dreams come true. That hard work must inevitably lead to success. That in the book we are reading, or the movie we're watching, everything will turn out all right in the end, and that the hero and the heroine will finally be united and live happily ever after. It's called the willing suspension of disbelief . And this is what con men, and crooked brokers, and racketeers of all descriptions, rely on when they take us for a ride (Congratulations! You have won ten gazillion dollars...!) They're not cashing in on our stupidity. They're cashing in on our hopefulness, the human ability to keep on believing what one wants to believe, repeated disappointments and letdowns notwithstanding.
Call it foolish gullibility or the sucker syndrome.
(beep.. beep)
Wait, I just got a text
"Invest today and double your money in three months.
Send your bank account number in a text to 1-800-CHEAT-ME or 1-800-BELIEF."

Mr Bain:Is Rain–boon or bane ?

Of the 15 days I was in Seattle, it rained for 13. Dark clouds gloomier than an economists forecast covered the skies. The locals hated the cold and the wet. Sakshi and I loved it. The locals thought we were mad to prefer rain over shine. Either that or we were high on Starbucks Chai latte (from the first Starbucks store ever ), a surfeit of which might well have hallucinogenic effects.
Our preference for cloudy skies over clear had nothing to do with insanity or Starbucks. It had to do with the grass being greener on the other side. In Scottsdale, we crave for raindrops to hit our car windshield, even though that might spell into multiple unplanned car washes. Seattle on the other hand, is a peacock heaven,the locals wait for shooting stars and wish for sunny days,the slightest glimpse of the sun makes the locals rush in hordes to hard, pebbly beaches where they take off their clothes and turn themselves into human barbecues in a tribal ritual called sunbathing.
Having left phoenix when it was a sweltering 115 F, Sakshi and I didn't miss the sun at all. And we welcomed the rain clouds that kept it away, ensuring that the mercury never went beyond a maximum of a very pleasant  60 F .
Sakshi and I love walking. Equipped with umbrellas which we'd had the foresight to pack in our luggage and thick-soled, puddle-resistant shoes.We walked along the banks of the river for three and half miles where tourists fed bread crumbs to a quackle of ducks. We stumbled upon Anglers, a picturesque café with tables outside .We played scrabble as we munched on our salad .Sakshi was leading the game .All my pleas that “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a real word were coolly gulped with lemonade.
With nothing left in my artillery I resorted to the last arrow in my quiver of whimsies .I decided to distract her with cute street dogs that bounced on the street .Ahh well it made her smile but not happy enough to be bad at the game.
Sheesh. I continued to struggle to make triple word scores when the gentle man sitting on the next table spilled his drink .The helpful staff was immediately trying to clean the mess and replace his drink but in the commotion we didn't realize that it had started to rain again and we had to abandon our game (I knew my faith in almighty will pay off some day).
So Seattle with your green grasses ,unplanned showers and yummy lunches, you made me realize , It's not just about walking, or rain, or sunshine. It's about how all of us yearn for that which we don't have. Those who are brown-skinned use Fair & Lovely to whiten their complexions, and those who are white-skinned spend fortunes getting themselves fashionably suntanned. The paparazzi-pursued celebrity seeks the protective cloak of anonymity, while the anonymous hunger for the limelight of fame.
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side. The credit for greenery goes to rain .Phoenix eat your heart out.
=)

Meeting woes/Me eating s ‘mores

I spent all of last week trying to get hold of a person i needed to speak to about something that needed doing. But no matter what i tried - mobile , landline, email, facebook, twitter - i just couldn't seem to get through to him. By now i was desperate. What should i try next? Courier pigeons? Telepathy? Then, by sheer chance, i bumped into the person, in the mall. Where in the world have you been, i've been desperately trying to get in touch with you, i said. And he replied: Sorry, but i've been frightfully tied up; all these business meetings i've been having to go to, you know.
Arghhh..
Business meetings are what people who are very important in the corporate and professional world go to. And the more such meetings that they have to go to, the more important they become. I'm not sure which came first. Did important people become important as a result of having had to attend all those meetings? Or were they important to begin with, and so had no choice but to go to all those meetings because they were important, and meetings have to have important people in order to be meetings?
It's a chicken-and-egg situation, trying to figure out which came first.
And people who are not just important but very, very important, like Mayawati, for instance, have so many meetings to go to, all at the same time, that they build statues of themselves so that they can be at several meetings simultaneously in moorti avatar.
The other thing about meetings was that they had to be as far away from wherever it was that you normally were. The farther off the meeting you had to attend, the greater was the importance given to it and to you for having to go to it. For instance, if you lived in phoenix and you said you had to go to a meeting in, say, Scottsdale, Tempe, no one in the audience was likely to ask you for a date but drop a hint that the meeting you were going to was in Amsterdam ,Dubai or New Zealand and everyone present would know that you were a big toots and no mistake.
Every time I book a room for a meeting or have to move between building to reach the meeting room I always think why can’t we book beaches or campgrounds where we would all gather around the campfire and make some s ’mores.
Just some more s ’mory food for thought..

Waxed/Vexed mouse

My neighborhood library "Agave"  is my secret haven for the last couple of months.It is a small cozy place tucked in the corner behind a grove of mesquite trees.It symbolizes a place of comfort, solitude, free books and DVDs for me.
The librarian -Richard is a kind soul who is blessed with a balding head and a twinkle in is light grey eyes  which makes me always wonder whats buzzing underneath his graying temples. He has been at this very library for the last 8 years since his retirement. He takes great pride in sharing stories about how it rained cats and dogs the day the  foundation stone was laid and how in no time he had all kinds of people flocking in the corridors of the library .
Richard maybe happy about his visitors but since the last week there are a bunch of visitors that have been the reason he is popping aspirin as m n m's.
There is apparently a new mouse family in the library who get their nourishment from Shakespeare ballads and Newton’s theorem alike.So three days back when I went in to drop off the books I noticed the distraught look in Richard’s face. He shared his woes about the "brown" clan .I decided to jump in and figure a way out.
I went to the home depot and looked for all kinds of traps I couldn't bring myself to kill them . After looking the talents of many locals’ artists i decided to go with one that looked like an open book which had sticky pages.The idea is that the mice would get stuck on them and can be safely moved to their own sanctuaries.
Richard said he had notice 5 baby mice and 6 adult mice.so we placed the traps in different sections .I placed two in "romance”, one in "fiction" and a couple in children section.
We switched off all the lights and closed for the day .
In the morning we found a mouse stuck in the trap placed in the romance section and the rest of the traps remained untouched . I high-fived with Richard .The mouse was pretty calm his beady eyes looked unperturbed by our presence .We took the trap/books and placed them outside the library near the manhole waiting for it to run off.It just couldn't move .I went back to my car trunk and got my bachii (Taiko stick) and poked at the mouse nudging him to move but that didn't help either . Richard took over and poked harder with the stick and wallah.
We had a mouse with well waxed bottoms.
So much for all the Brazilian wax advertisements that flood radio stations.
Romance section seems to have been a hit so we planted another set the next day but caught none. In fact they all seem to have vanished.
My theories with Richard range from either the mice pride themselves in being the furry clan and didn't like our services or for all you know they might have gone to get the rest of their clan for the Brazilian wax .
We will see.
=)

Fitness SpREE

Our Fitness which art on treadmill,/ Hallowed be thy gym./ Thy aerobic come, thy work-out done,/ In Nike as it is in Reebok.

I remember a couple of years back when I was a self-professed atheist, i was nervous. For i was about to enter the temple of a new religion. The new religion – which according to some is the fastest-growing

faith system called Fitness.I’d heard of the religion of Fitness that was sweeping the nation, and of the temples dedicated to it called gyms that were popping up faster than pizza joints. But i remained not only an atheist but a gym-atheist, or a gym-nastik. Then one day the inevitable happened. A gym got set up in the housing society where i live. I hadn’t gone to the mountain of Fitness; the mountain had come to me.

There was no help for it. Along with all the other worshippers at the altar of Fitness, i queued up at the

door of the gym. But, as in the case of all places of worship, first i had to acquire the appropriate

investments, the ritual costume required for entry. In the case of the gym, this costume is called a kit,

the first and foremost component of which is something called cross-trainers. It turned out that cross-

trainers are not, as i would’ve thought, bad-tempered people who travel by trains. Cross-trainers are a

special type of footwear which you have to put on to get onto the treadmill, the holy of holies of the gym.

I went to buy cross-trainers. The shop was full of all kinds of cross-trainers, of bulbous shape and lurid

colours, like bullfrogs with strange skin diseases. They were all called REE-something, like REE-flex and

REE-play. I looked at the price tags and REE-coiled. Don’t you have anything called REE-jects which are a

bit cheaper?, i asked the sales assistant. He looked at me as though i were something REE-volting, if not REE-pulsive. In the end, i forked out what seemed to me a REE-markable sum of money which had me REE-ling for what in effect were nothing but what used to be called keds, except these were keds in fancy dress, and with a lot of zeroes added to their prices.

So in retrospect i got a fit because i wanted to be fit.

=)

PS/Words of wisdom:

The reason i skip the gym at times is not because am lazy (or i ran out of good excuses) ,it is because i

want to preserve my sports wear. Common, who does not want to be pinched ("New pinch") for old clothes .It has its merits. Try it.

Egg-stra fun

Full disclosure: I have made many a friend a victim of my cooking. Some have been smart and figured a way to politely say no and run as fast as they can in the opposite direction and others have yet to master the art.
If you are privy to my daily schedule you would definitely advise me to "Do some good”. Anything to cleanse my karma or else am definitely going to be reborn as a slimy sloth stationed on a bunch of malnourished trees with cannibals doing the dance without pants underneath. Not a pretty sight!
Now that spring is here it’s the perfect time to be outdoors so when there was a notification on my friend stream asking if anybody wanted to pitch in for the food drive( the benefits of which would go to a charity of our choice) i signed up.We were divided into teams and had to sell food through a food truck at the Maricopa Fair.I was teamed up with petit Clara and Hugo a 56 yr old ex-cop."Hugo " was aptly named as he was a broad shouldered 6ft 3 inches tall guy who probably wouldn’t need a hammer to drive nails in wood .In my head every time i turned around i would address him as huge-O!!. I chose to cook rather than attracting and pulling customers to our booth. Clara manned the orders and Hugo was helping me with the cooking. Our food truck was infact Huge-O's customized monster trucks so it was really high and looked like it’s all set to compete in the Monster-jam at the fair.The flow of customers was a little slow in the beginning but by noon we were in full swing. Watching me work, Hugo soon realized that am a little lost (i like to see it as getting in touch with my disoriented side )He believes that i have the attention span of a Gnat (maybe ..i do..i have sticky notes floating on my car dashboard and room walls) so he kept the oil case, flour, sugar bags, case of 2 dozen eggs etc on the roof of the truck so that’s its easier for me to work. We had developed an assembly line to turn things around. It was working really smooth till Huge-O had to go in the front to help Clara manage the flow of orders and i was left at the back alone. I ran out of eggs and reached to on the roof to grab some and "i don’t believe its butter" filled hands slipped , I tried balancing myself by holding the side mirror of the truck but one thing led to the other and before i knew it, there was a loud crash and i had the whole crate of eggs on top of my head.
 Eww
eWw
ewW
My head was filled with gooey --yellow --stinky--broken eggs.
I was stunned.I just stood there in shock . Huge-O and Clara rushed back. They burst out laughing. I couldn’t stop sheepishly grinning as well. Clara shot a video which she promised was going to be uploaded on Americas funniest videos. I continued making the food (i still reeked) as we had bunch of folks whom we had already taken orders from.I waited another hour and finally got down to cleaning myself. I don’t know what caused the humpty dumpty eggciting event. I wonder if it was the prayers of those who were yet to be fed or the cursing of those who had finished eating either ways i definitely had my share of egg-star fun.
now i better be reborn as a princess .
At least Santa i hope you are taking notes.
=)

Perfect answer (hold on ..it’s coming..wait for it..)

You come in out of the rain looking like a mobile swimming pool and some dear, concerned soul is bound to ask in a solicitous voice “Oooo! Have you got wet?” 

After a long, hard day at work followed by a lengthy commute you reach home only to be greeted with a “You’re back, are you?”

You get a gilt-edge invite to the big, big social event of the year. Everyone who is anyone is going to be there. For weeks before you go around feeling smug and confident that you’ve made the haut monde grade at last. The day comes at last, you turn up at the appointed time and as you walk in some blight in human form says, “What are you doing here?”

The next time someone asks me a stupid question I’m going to give a clever answer. And since I’m not very good at snap repartee, I’ll prepare and rehearse a few stock situations and responses.

Let’s take the “Are-you-wet?” scene.
 Right? Rolls of thunder, lashings of rain. Enter Suraiya looking like Father Neptune. Questioning voice: “Have you got wet?” Me, spurning water like Moby Dick, “No. It’s just that I’m a big sweater.” Or, “No. Actually I’m melting.” How about, “No, I’m perfectly dry. It’s just that you’ve been peeling onions.”

Take the “Are you back?” gambit. 
“No, I’m still away. It’s just the other half of my split personality that’s come back.” “No. This is Byomkesh bakshi’s ghost in a new avatar”  “No. You’re hallucinating.” “I don’t know. I’ve got amnesia. You tell me.” Or, since the cleverest way to answer a stupid question is to ask a stupid question yourself, “Is that you?”

Now for the “What-are-you-doing-here?” routine. 
“Casing the joint. I’m a aid to the gentleman burglar” is not too bad. Likewise, “I’m a house detective hired to protect the silverware.” “I’ve been asked to give away the special prize for the best fancy dress turn-out. Congratulations.” “Collecting local color for my big novel about the underworld. Thanks for contributing a chapter.”

There are a thousand other inane inquiries which can be similarly countered.
 The inevitable “How do you do?” has the equally inevitable reply, “Do what?” 
.“Where have you been hiding all these days?” is easy ,“In the one place I knew you wouldn’t dare look. The police station.”

Be in good trim when we meet next time and I ask you –“ Did you enjoy reading my blog ”

:)

horo-(in-)scope

Like every new year" never before " offers for zodiacal predictions are flooding my inbox.At this time of the year, astrology books sell hotter than hot cakes and threaten to unseat the latest Chetan Bhagat from the top of the best-seller chart. Some might find this surprising considering that we are in the digitalised 21st century of spaceships and supercomputers. So where in this supposedly hi-tech mindspace does hocus-pocus like astrology fit in? Nonetheless, the ongoing debate about whether or not the distant stars and planets can rule our destinies seems to gain in volume and intensity with each passing season. Is astrology mere mumbo-jumbo, or is it? as its adherents claim? more jumbo than mumbo in terms of its cosmic credentials?Except for one thing, i've long been a sceptic with regards to star-gazing. The reason for my skepticism goes back to the time when i was part of the "Horizon " e-magazine . The magazine had decided to publish a astrological column for the annual issue.None of the editors took astrology seriously. The way we looked at it, it was harmless fun, rather like speculating about life on Mars or if UFOs did or did not exist. As long as you didn't begin to see little green men peering up at you from your morning bowl of cornflakes, or resign yourself to the fact that you'd never get that office promotion so long as Saturn remained in your ninth house, everything was fine.We decided that horoscopes should be  generally cheerful and upbeat, the zodiacal equivalent of a vitamin tonic. If your prediction of the week was good, it gave you the confidence to succeed in whatever you were doing. If the prediction was not so good, working hard could help to overcome negative influences, so buck up and put in extra effort. Either way, you won.The only catch was 

we did not have a REAL astrologer.

So what would we do without the annual forecast that our readers eagerly awaited? (We had publicized it in our last issue and there was a lot of buzz)

Simple: Make it up. 

We divided the zodiac signs between us. I was given Pisces, Leo and Sagittarius. And we made up the predictions for what lay in the year ahead, remembering to keep the general tone positive and throwing in a lot of trines (as in: Your Jupiter will be in trine with Mars) for the sake of authenticity. No one knew what a trine was. But it sounded like a powerful ju-ju, an astrological version of ajinomoto. So we liberally sprinkled our cooked-up predictions with generous dollops of trines.After that do-it-yourself foray into horoscopy.

We recived a lot of positive response and the readers wanted us to make it a regular feature.

The team exchanged amusing glances at the thought.We had to come up with a way to get out of it graciously.So the subsequent monthly issue's editors note read something like this :

Dear Readers,

blah blah.....blah...some more blah

We loved your feedback but our astrologer based on the accuracy of his predictions has been offered a "exclusive" job with a country's elite and has entered a "exclusive"contract

whereby we would have to pay royalty every time we used his name or his whereabouts .So unfortunately we cannot continue with this feature ..

blah blah

Team Horizon.

PS:I know team this was supposed to be out little secret but trust me the readers of this blog are completely trustworthy and they promised me to take this secret with them to the grave .

 Miss you Horizon!!

:)